I'm facing my third day of writer's block. I'm trying to work through it by typing out the emotions behind it...and the cure is on!
When we last left the Adoption Process, I wrote about events that took place in December of 2009. I'm still in December of 2009.
When we called on Monday after the Adoption Fair, our social worker went cross-eyed as we told her of our encounter with the Lovely Boy.
"But," she said. "You want siblings! You want young!"
Yes, but what we want and what God planned? Two different things. She shrugged and said she'd contact Lovely Boy's social worker and start the ball rolling. This was Monday.
On Thursday, the school secretary pulled me out of my class to take an emergency phone call. Three children who fit our profile to a "T" needed emergency placement. Thus began the longest 24 hours of our life/marriage.
Hubby and I went back and forth on the phone trying to decide what to do. These kids needed us NOW as an emergency placement and we felt strongly that Lovely Boy would find a home, pronto. After all, Lovely Boy was so awesome. The next day - after we said no to LB and hello 3-kids, we were told that the kid would not come to us under an emergency placement and we would proceed using the usual procedure.
Now, it's like six days until Christmas and these three kids - removed from an adoption situation that wasn't working out - were going to spend Christmas in two separate foster homes and not with a loving family like us. I was BEYOND upset.
After the first of the year, Lovely Boy became the first child of the year featured on Wednesday's Child and we sat down to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly about the three kids (it's the first step after matching: it's the full reveal).
The news seemed mix. The kids had issues, but all workable. Sure, they were in therapy, but all foster kids are. We were handed 1" thick files to read on each kid. Hands were shaken and off we went to read up on the kids and make the next decision. We were given a week to do so.
Reading those files? Nightmare. The three kids were actually in three separate group homes. All three went to various therapists (every other week, just for the kids we'd have three separate therapy sessions and the week in between? FIVE separate therapy sessions not including the family and transition therapy sessions). Plus, one of the kids had an anger issue that frightened their classmate. One was ADHD. One wasn't speaking yet.
And nobody queried about Lovely Boy despite a wonderful push for his adoption on local television.
When I looked through the adoption folders for the second time, I saw my life literally stop: I'd need to quit my job in order to schlep these kids to all of their therapy sessions. How would I handle both an angry child and an ADHD child at the exact same time? I knew that I'd be trapped at home with these three kids while hubby only had to deal with them for a few hours in the evening and on the weekends. I pictured my marriage: my dealing with these kids by myself and then hubby coming home to the kids and an unhappy wife.
And Lovely Boy wasn't leaving my mind. How was he feeling? Did he think of us? Did he wonder what happened to us?
I felt I let him down.
As a couple, we chose to not pursue the three children. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I cried. But I wasn't the right mother for those kids. I just wasn't. Call it selfish, but I wasn't the right mother for those three children.
And I couldn't stop thinking of Lovely Boy.
After we turned them down, we quickly agreed to follow up on LB. Our social worker didn't understand and thought us nuts: he wasn't what we initially wanted.
I couldn't stop thinking of my lovely, Lovely Boy.